Respectfully Yours, Winter

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I am struggling with this even tho I know that is not the way. I would not be considered the Superman or Wonderwoman kind of hero. I am more akin to Rorschach. I am disturbed and I do not want to give in. I push to become more tho I can not see a light at the end. I am aware of the myriad of quotes from Sagan, Buddah, Jung, Abraham, Campbell even my own teacher etc… and I agree, I see the validity. It does not move me from seeing what is wrong with me. That which I was born to work with. That which alienates me. No, the alienation is not always a choice. It is others reacting to me and wanting space between us and I being respectful of that.

The obvious manifestation of my issue has been a very severe stutter all my life. Within the past 2 years I have overcome tho most of it. I can have normal conversatins now however I have been learning that there is more to it than finally being able to speak fluently. There is so much that now has to be straighened out physically, mentally and emotionally. Yes working with this is the tool to work with toward what one might call enligtenment, yet you will not see me sitting under the bodhi tree any time soon. I know how to love with knowing that I am not considered. I still love. Yes, the kind where you hear laughter in the other room between two people you adore and you smile. Not feel as if you should be involved, you just like hearing the happiness and that life is well with them. The kind where a woman has accomplished something and you nod and say “awesome”. The kind where you are so very emotionally and physically attracted to someone tho you do not let them know for you know how uncomfortable it would make them. This does not stop you from feeling love. It is your feeling and it is good.

I do FEEL the beauty of my world. Not only see it. I can say that it is a feeling. I will share a post of mine to share what I mean. I can not detail everything in this one post. I am sure that points will be made by others that I have an understanding of and all is very appreciated. My friend Marc has invited me to write and I will. If any of this helps someone elas it is all worth while however I do not claim to be any more than what I am.

Winter


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