Pigeon Makes Me cry

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Tracey Shadley in Pigeon Pose

Eka Pada Kapotasana more commonly known as Pigeon pose, has always been my nemesis. It’s a beautiful pose and I love that feeling I get in my hip when I am in the pose….but my brain…it never stop working: Am I doing it right? Are my toes and knee in line with my hip? Is my back ankle crooked? Am I leaning my weight too much to one side? Is my front leg on too much of an angle? Wait a minute…am I actually breathing? All of this came to a halt a few months ago.

This past winter I spent 3 months away in Sedona Arizona. I took what I know will be only the first of e of my 200 hour Yoga Teacher Trainings. This was such an incredible and intense experience. I learned to take time for myself by waking up every morning at 3:00am to do the Ayurvedic self –care routine (Dinacarya). I learned discipline by getting to the center by 4:30 am to do our daily Sadhana which included asanas, cleanses and chanting. I learned to nourish myself by eating an Ayurvedic diet and more consciously. I learned to do asanas safely and fluidly while appreciating my breath. I learned to love myself.

One day I looked into the mirror and saw someone else’s eyes looking back at me. I mentioned that to my teacher and she said “look around you, you all have a new light in your eyes”…..and we did. The training was in a very safe and protective setting…..I started to wonder how I was going to maintain this light when I left this space.

I was lucky, I had 2 more months to live in Sedona which is full of people filled with the same inner light. I fell in love. I fell in love with the people around me who shared my interests and became close friends. I fell in love with the place which is surrounded by beautiful scenery and beautiful spirit. I fell in love with the energy that fills the air. I fell in love with a man who really saw me and adored me for the quirky person I am.

I fell hard for the whole lifestyle I had created for myself. I loved this person I became. I was at peace, I was happy, I was shining. How was I going to leave? Why was I leaving? I truly felt that I belonged there. But I had commitments back home. I had made promises to return……

When the course ended, I maintained the yogic lifestyle on my own. I did some form of yoga every day. Whether it was meditation and mantra on the red rocks, a kirtan in the evening or one of many asana classes, I was dedicated and determined. I was living a joyous life. My heart had never felt so “full”.

As my time in this wonderful place was coming closer to the end, I found myself avoiding yoga. I was sleeping in later. I was doing an abridged morning routine and I was coming up with excuses to miss my classes…I was especially avoiding the classes. I knew I was doing it but couldn’t really grasp the “WHY”. Looking back, the truth is I didn’t want to think about the “why”.

One day I finally dragged myself to my favorite Hot Yoga class. I love the heat and was very happy going through the vinyasas, trying to keep my balance and breathing deeply. My brain was on hold, as it should be and I was feeling just fine…..until……Pidgeon pose.  As I inflated my chest and reached out to fold forward and lay my head to rest ,I was overcome by sadness. As I properly aligned my hips, the tears started streaming down my cheeks. I couldn’t control it. What is going on I was wondering…..but I wasn’t supposed to think. I was just supposed to breathe, so I tried. But the thoughts started flowing with the tears so I acknowledged them . “I don’t want to go home”,”I am going to feel so alone ” , “how am I going to say goodbye to the man I have grown to love” “when am I coming back”……….. I thought each thought, shed a tear for each one and then tried to let it go.

Then it hit me and I had to LAUGH! THIS is why I was avoiding the classes. I knew the asana would take me where I was not yet ready to go. I brought all of the buried emotions to a head in a gentle and loving way and I was able to see them and work towards dealing with them; It was a wonderful learning experience.
Now, every time I prepare to go into Pidgeon I take my time. I breathe even more deeply and I open my heart to anything that wants to come up. I let the emotion flow through me like Prana and I embrace any tears that come. I can handle it; I accept it

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4 Comments

  1. February 26, 2012, 4:36 pm

    Great post Tracey Shadley! Keep em coming…

  2. February 26, 2012, 4:42 pm

    Thanks for the opportunity!

  3. February 26, 2012, 4:46 pm

    Tracey Shadley VERY MUCH excited to see more!!!!

  4. March 4, 2012, 1:28 pm

    [...] Pigeon Makes Me cry (heroesofthenow.com) MarcVisit My Website / View My Other Posts Marc is a modern yogi and visionary guide for new paradigm thinkers and creators. He brings a current approach to the science of yoga and meditation, blending masterfully, ancient practices and philosophy to soothe this tumultuous modern experience and support purposeful, organic and dynamic creations that bring humanity to a higher consciousness experience. He has served business, government and international non-profit organizations, as well as coached individual clients from all walks of life to realize their highest good. [...]

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