Feeling Beautifull

The Hero's Blog

Such a gloriously beautiful day out in the wilderness today. I took a drive down a long swath of gravel road between 89 A and Dry Creek Road and at about the halfway point stopped to get out into it all. I struggle to convey in words what it is like for me (which is mostly why I am writing this) and my relationship to it. Do some of you know how music can move your emotions like waves. Surrounding myself in this place is like that. Years of wonder about the natural world and being enchanted by color, texture, sent and sound plays like a symphony for me. The rambling of desert shrubs and trees twist and claw their way up form the red, orange, gold, purple and slate blue cobbled earth. There are patches of yielding, moist rich earth covered in a multi colored carpet of mosses and lichens. All of this so fragrant, especially after a rain. Today the sky was blue. Here the blue is bottomless. I could fall forever into it completely forgetting myself. Boldly jutting up from all of this are spires and mounds, cracked and piled, of coppery stone, sometimes white, sometimes almost purple. Laced into this is the deep green of various pines and mesquite. Sun and shadows play across this landscape all day and then, into the night, the scent of the air changes. The green and mineral like texture of the air softens as a touch of humidity beds down onto the the earth. Everything settles into another world and the multitude of stars have a depth to them not seen in certain parts of the country. The Milky Way IS like a shimmering stream across the sky.

Is it wrong of me to want to be a part of this ambrosia of the senses? This is beauty, power and grace that I feel and all unfettered by myself. I do not even feel myself at these times. There is only my observance and acknowledgement and even that is blurred by the experience of my surroundings. When I am in my body I do not hide from the experience. I can not be lazy and “just be” how I am. I keep myself in the “Still not good enough for this important world” mode, tho I do know I need to sometimes step out of this and see that which is perfect in its asymmetry. Does the world push itself or does it unfold? Does that flower “feel” tired, discomfort, pain, confusion and self doubt as it opens to the sun? There are seeds that do not find good purchase and wither away during the process, also there are seeds that are not made to grow at all. Is there pain in this? It is still useful, it dose decay and return to the soil so therefore nothing is truly useless.  Outside of this ego-drive (nothing wrong with the ego-drive mind you) of “I AM AND I WILL DO THIS” I still have relevance. I could fall to the earth, surrounded by all of this which I have just described, and the flora and fauna would be sustained by my decaying body. I envision seeds finding purchase amidst my ivory bleaching bones, rooted in the newly fertile soil, blooming up and around the curve of my rib cage and around my silently resting skull. The world is so much larger than me and my personal evolutions. There is a mild humor to the fact that all the world truly needs from someone like myself ARE the compounds of which I am made. While I can not stop going (going to work, learning, caring for my surroundings, physical/mental strengthening and denying what is not good) there is goodness and relevance to all of this if I take time to step outside of it all. And what a place I have to step out into.

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